This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
