yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
