My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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