Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
