Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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