I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
