I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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