The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
