Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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