mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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