Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
