Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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