He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
