In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
