I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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