I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
