I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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