How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
