When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.