i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying