Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
