Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
