I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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