time to smoke my breakfast
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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