My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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