I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
