My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
