Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
