My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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