just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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