Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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