my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
