My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
