And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
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Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
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I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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