hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
