I didn't shave. On purpose
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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