I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sorry my hands just texted you
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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