So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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