I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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