Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize