i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
