I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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