she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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