no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.