it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.