I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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