I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
