Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
