i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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