Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
