saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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