i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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