I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We're too hungover to prance.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
