my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
