my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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