I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
