I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Randomize
